I’m writing again. And it feels wonderful after such a long struggle. It’s as if I’ve been scanning the AM dial for a year, everything coming in crunchy and fuzzed. Now, I’m over on FM, and the signal is suddenly clear. All I have to do is sit down, tune in, and listen. The words are there. Thank goodness. The words are there. I only have to listen.
I make time as I can, and I am fiercely protective of that time. When I am writing, I am a bear in her den, growling and glaring at any intrusion. Sometimes, after a particularly powerful and deep hibernatory session, transition to daylight is fraught. Listening to the muse and listening to one’s child are entirely different exercises. With the muse, I am selfish and gluttonous, greedily gobbling every word sent my way. With my daughter, I must unhinge my heart and empty all its contents into her ravenous and radiant soul. I am slowly learning how to transition, how to build both a body of work and the mind of a child. I am learning to inhabit writerhood and motherhood simultaneously. The balance is delicate, but I am glad for it.
I’m also happy to announce that our first Mumuration Community women’s retreat is scheduled for this spring. It’s called “Shadowboxing: Exploring Our Shadow to Embrace the Other,” and it will be held near Moab, Utah, in April. There will be elements of meditation, writing, yoga, hiking, and connecting within the sacred circle we create together. My co-leader and I have been dear friends for fifteen years now, sharing the ups and downs of lives lived big. We are a powerful team. I’m excited for all that lies ahead in this venture. This is the first of many retreats to come.
I write, I plan retreats, and I raise a daughter who is watching all the while.It’s an interesting balance, this motherhood thing. How do we bring a full heart and abundant energy to our children while also nurturing our own passions and identities? How do we raise children who are proud of their strong, independent mothers while also feeling like they have access to all their mothers have to offer? It’s forever push-pull. Somedays I fail. But the struggle, I think, is so, so worth it.
Writing brings me joy, and that is extra joy I am able to bring to my daughter.